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Benzodiazepine Withdrawal > Benzodiazepines (XANAX, ATIVAN, KLONOPIN, VALIUM) Discussions and Support > Benzodiazepine Lounge (Moderator: SUE) > My old smile,before klonipin!!
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Author Topic: My old smile,before klonipin!!  (Read 148 times)
jtho09
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Me before klonipin!I genuinely laughed and smiled!

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« on: December 16, 2009, 01:51:12 AM »
This is my new avatar pic!I was having such a good time on this day, I went to the zoo w/ family and we went into a giant birdcage and fed exotic birds they landed all over me and my mother in law snapped this photo while I laughed and smiled for shere joy! I remember how I felt on this day,I was just happy to be alive on this earth!!This was before all the tragedy in my life led me down a road to the pill (klonipin) that robbed me of five yrs of precious life!!All the other photos of me during the klonipin use,I look like the light has gone out of me!I would give anything to go inside this photo and live forever! I wonder if Ill ever smile like this again!
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On clonazepam(klon).5 2x a day since 2004 my doctor put me on it, because I was stressed out being the sole caregiver of  my very sick mother!I have tried many times to wean myself off only to have something tragic happen (my mother dying of emphysema,a miscarriage after 10 yrs of trying,autoimmune problem that still hasnt been diagnosed,my father dying of lung cancer (He died Jan. 16th 2009),my sister died of kidney failure(drug related) 6 days after my father!I tapered (dry cut 1/4 a pill a month)over 5 months and finally finished 4 1/2 months ago!! Had every sypmtom there is!!6th mo. off found lump in my neck dr. thought it was cancer,it wasnt but it took mos.for the dr. to figure out!!Due to all the stress of mos. of thinking I had cancer Im now back on valium 2mg. 2xs a day and prozac 40 mg 1x a day
ForeverTense
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The only way out is thru. --carl

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« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2009, 02:01:31 AM »
I have a few pics like these too of earlier, happier times in my life. I too would do anything if i could go back in time to that happy period and just stay there. Now, each day that i am alive is just survival...zero joy in being alive.

--carl
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Benzo History Timeline
1988: 8 years on .5 mgs Xanax (tolerance w/d)
1996: Approx. 9 years on .5 mgs klonopin (tolerance w/d)
2005: Approx. 3 years on 5 mgs valium (tolerance w/d)
Aug.2008: * Tapered valium from 5 mgs to 2.5 mgs (stayed there for a month)
   *Jumped off Valium at 2.5 mgs (C/T - huge mistake/plz don't do this)
   * Also c/t 10 mgs lexapro (3 years) when I came off valium
bfeld12
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« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2009, 09:39:34 AM »
you are going to smile and feel like that again.

i promise.

especially now that you have dumped the klonopin.

cheers.

- b
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nadene
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My Mother & My Son

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« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2009, 12:26:04 PM »
Yes you will smile again, of course.

I sometimes look back on old pictures, and I'm like "smiles come back"

I'm doing ok, but anyone in w/d or on a Benzo isn't going to smile like before, but w/d is temporary.

Smiles are forever.

Love, Nay xxx
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Lorraine
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« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2009, 12:26:39 PM »
Hello Jtho

I know exactly how you feel.  When I look a pic's of me before my accident (which is what led me to clonazapam) I feel such a sense of loss and sadness.  I was so pretty, happy, strong and innocent.  My eyes were bright and I was up for anything.  I was entitled to happiness.......or so I thought.

You will get this back.  You will.  I have already reclaimed my self.  It began with glimpses of my old self pushing through and then it built on that until now.... I have my old self back.  I am Lorraine again.  I have my sense of humor and love of life back....I just still feel like crap.  That's got to go.  Except for the physical stuff I'm still dealing with I am totally my old self again and as soon as I feel better physically I will be laughing and singing and smiling like I was before.  No actually I'll be better because I will know what I know now.  Only we can possibly know what others take for granted.  The CNS.  Others don't even know what the CNS does!!!  We do.  We will never fall complacent.  Only we know how precious it is to wake up and feel good...or even just ok.

You will look like that picture again.

Love
Lorraine
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1 year on clon .5 mg for vestibular migraines rapid taper (7 weeks) last dose Nov 08 was doing well except the headaches came back with a vengence so dr put me on gabapentin March 09 then the nightmare began. Worked my way up to 2200mg and then rapid tapered gab due to adverse reaction last dose gab taken May 09







All of us get lost in the darkness...dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter...dreamers turn to look at the cars.....Neal Peart
SUE
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« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2009, 04:03:52 PM »
I can totally appreciate what your saying. I have been there. I look at so many pictures and see what you are saying.
I can tell you that it will come back to you.
Your life will come back!
You have to be strong and keep fighting back and you will get better.
TIME is your friend as much as we do not want to here this 4 letter word.
I have pictures of heartache and everyone can see the pain in my eyes but I can tell you that the heartache will one day end and you will get that happiness back that you had in this picture.
Keep the faith and never give up.
Sue
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Disclaimer: I am not a Doctor and am not giving medical advice. You are strongly advised not to cease taking any type of medication ABRUPTLY. Talk to your Doctor before making any changes to your medication. This forum is to Educate and support you only.
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