COMPLETE RECOVERY AT ONE YEAR

[molly1]

It has been one year since i have ingested benzos or any other prescription drugs.  I consider myself  completely recovered and would like to offer hope to all of you still on this journey.
   My journey began approximately four years ago when I began to taper off the antidepressant that I had been on for 15 years.  I no longer felt I needed it and I was not sure if it was really working any longer.  With my doctor’s blessing, I began a taper that only lasted one month.  This was my first mistake of many that were to follow.  About one month off the drug I began to experience what I now can identify as a hypomanic state--insomnia, reckless behavior and spending, excessive talking, the life of the party, and rapid mood changes, irritability and inappropriate anger.  Deep depression followed rapidly and my doctor mistakenly told me that I needed to go back on the Lexapro as my body definitely needed the drug to balance out my body chemistry.  He used the “diabetic needs his insulin” talk to convince me I needed the Lexapro.  The Lexapro however did not work when I reinstated and I continued to get worse and worse.  My mental health continued to decline and I could not sleep.  This is when the doctor began to prescribe many different drugs with no washout period between drugs.  i was given many different anti-depressants, sleeping meds,benzos, and antipsychotics.  I would take one for awhile until it stopped working and then try another.    I continued to get worse and worse mentally and physically.  I spent many days and nights crying and thinking I was truly losing my mind.  I wanted to die many many times. I isolated myself in my house.  My thinking became irrational and I was very paranoid.  I developed akathasia, constant nausea, painful joints and muscles but the mental symptoms were the worst.  Finally, my doctor said he could no longer help me and steered me towards psychiatry.  Another huge mistake!!!  The psychiatrist then diagnosed me as bipolar 2 at the age of 52.  He then c/t me off all the current drugs I was on and added Klonopin (as needed) and antipsychotics.  I continued to get worse and worse and I was now into 2 years of pure hell.  I truly did not want to live anymore.  I entered therapy to deal with my bipolar and that also was a huge waste of money as my symptoms and problems were drug induced, not related to a bad childhood.  I began to doubt the expertise of my psy doctor and began searching the internet for more info.  I found this website and found a whole community of people who had all my symptoms and believed they might be caused by the very drugs that were supposed to help.  It was then that i decided to get off the drugs.  I was a very high functioning woman who excelled at my job for 30 years prior to this mess and I desperately wanted her back.  I began to believe the drugs were my problem.
   I found an integrative med doctor who believed in my assessment and supported me in getting off all my drugs.  I started to eliminate all the drugs one by one until I was left with only Klonopin.  I then did the valium taper.  Make no mistake, this has been the most difficult thing I have ever done.  It was hell!!!  The entire taper was difficult and the first 10 months off all drugs were not any better.  But I started to have very brief windows about 4 months into the taper that kept me hopeful.  I wanted to give up many many times but i always came to the forum for support and this is what kept me going.
   My worst symptoms have been intrusive memories and thoughts, dark suicidal depression, and insomnia.  The physical symptoms included muscle pains, nausea,hot and cold flashes, migraines, and brain zaps.  The depression left for good at 10 months off and it virtually disappeared overnight. 
   What helped me recover?  I have no idea if any of the things worked that I implemented but I will list what I did.  i exercised throughout the taper (I ran 3 marathons), I practiced yoga and deep breathing exercises, I quit alcohol and all supplements, I tried EMDR and EFT.  I forced myself to call my friends and be social even though I could not really connect with any of them.  I read every self help book I could get my hands on.  I did jigsaw puzzles as I could not concentrate on reading or following the plot of anything I would read. I spent days on the forum just reading and crying.  I tried to keep my diet organic and healthy.  I journaled my feelings daily.  I practiced yoga and deep breathing. I prayed.  I snuggled with my cats and cried.  I truly believe that time is the greatest healer.
   Fast forward to today.  I awoke this morning with a deep feeling of gratitude and anticipation for the day.  I went to coffee with friends, cross country skiing, tutored a student at the local school, picked up groceries at the store, and met friends for dinner.  I enjoyed all the moments of the day!!  My personality has returned and I am “myself” again.  Last year at this time, I thought my life truly was over and I would live out my life in misery.
   My message to all of you is that we all heal.  Please allow your body the time it needs to repair all the damage the drugs has done to you.  If at all possible, do not add other drugs or supplements to aid in your healing.  At one time I felt a victim, then a survivor.  Today I am thriving.  You will also.  I have absolutely no fear of the future anymore as I KNOW I have already been to hell and I made it to the other side.
   I pray for all of us.

[mtnjam]

Molly...
Thank you so very much for coming back to share the story of your success. This has come at a time that inspiration and hope are sorely needed for me. I can only pray that my own personal growth and recovery will similarly match your own. I felt as though I was reading my own story as I canvassed yours. Amazing how so many of us have had identical dealings with p-docs and additional psych drugs; only to realize that THEY were the root of our problems.
I am currently incorporating the exact same healthy life choices into my journey as you are; essentially laying the foundation for a full recovery and continued good health. I'm so happy that you've healed as well and as quickly as you have. We should all be so lucky.
Bless you!!
Missy

[TPirog]

Oh Molly! Are you Molly1 from BI? You made it? Awesome! I am so happy for you. I never realized how similar our stories were. Apart from the recovery behavior (I don't exercise and I continue to take supplements and an anti depressant), our stories are almost identical. In my case it went so far as having a course of Electro Convulsive Therapy. (Bastards! Lots of resentment on my part towards the doctors who allowed that.)

I'd like to add this story of yours to my "Benzo Stories" page at http://www.benzodocs.com/benzo_stories.shtml. Is that OK with you?

Congratulations! And thanks for coming back to tell us about your success. People here need that so very much.

[lasseter334]

Congrats Molly, and thank you so much for coming here and sharing your recovery experience. It is very helpful. That's where hope comes from, and the people here need hope.

Best,
-tom

[Hank Jr.]

Hi Molly

Thank you for sharing your story, it gives others hope   

Congratulation on getting your life back

/Søren

[SUE]

Congrats!
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop back and share your recovery story.
Sue

[MPaws]

Thank you so much for sharing, I feel hopeful

MPaws

[Buddy G.]

Molly,

This is EXACTLY what I needed this morning. Some hope! 

 - Bud

[TPirog]

Thanks for the congrats on my one year free anniversary!!  Yes, it is me--Molly from BI.   I remember well the conversations we had concerning the dark deep depressions.  I shudder to think of those days.

Yeah, it's really encouraging because I seem to remember you as one of the ones I wondered would make it. I am so happy for you! If you and I could do it, anyone can! YOU SOUND GREAT! 

Like you, I still have tiny moments of fear that I wil return to that nightmare.  I suppose that is only normal for what we have been through.  Probably a form of PTSD!!

I suspect that at a year it'll happen less and less. It's just I had the shallow breathing last night, and that is definitely a benzo withdrawal symptom. It'll pass though, I'm sure.

Please feel free to add my story to your website of survivors.

Thanks a lot!

I still am amazed that I made it to the other side.

It is still awe inspiring isn't it?

I was really messed up Tony!!

I know. We both were!

Only now do I realize how screwed up my thinking and emotional reactions were to my life.  It is embarrassing to remember some of my behaviors.

Not embarrassing for me so much as saddening. I feel so sad for all I put everyone through.

I am doing great now.

That's fantastic!!!!! 

Hopefully, I can be an example of complete recovery to others.

They need it bad. That's why I stick around.

Enjoy your health.  You and I both know how horrible these benzos are.

No kidding! So glad to hear from you and about you. What a great story!

Tony

[snoopy]

Molly,

Congratulations and great to hear your recovery. Hope you are gaining back your life all together.

Wish I can say that I have my recover sometime too.

All the best.

Snoopy

[TPirog]

I added your post to http://www.benzodocs.com/benzo_stories.shtml Check it out. 

Tony

[RUNVS]

Molly1 thank you for posting this!!!

[nomore23]

Thanks for posting your story.. it gives me hope!!!

Elaine

[_Dennis_]

Congrats and thank you!

[juliewave]

Thank you for sharing. Congratulations!! It is what I needed to hear today.

• Downloads
• Benzo Equivalence Table
• Water Titration Instructions